I’ve been carrying an enormous amount of grief in secret for months.

The second week of January this year, a couple days into the Los Angeles fires, the power went out in my mother in law’s house a few blocks from us.

She fell and broke her shoulder.

She had other complications for which she refused treatment.

By the end of January she was in hospice.

She died last week, and we buried her last Thursday, the day after my webinar.

She was the mother to me that my own mother never was.

And if you knew her, like all her friends have known her for an (undisclosed) number of decades, that is the unlikeliest statement I could ever say.

She was not a maternal person. 

My mother in law Amy was a famously charming, funny, kooky, and complicated human being. She was a survivor (and she survived a LOT.)

She was tough, smart, kind hearted, judgmental, insecure, and occasionally vengeful. (To be fair, her version of vengeance tended to be extremely funny and caused no actual harm, to the best of my knowledge.)

She was ALWAYS interesting. 

Amy had a pattern of initially liking my husband’s partners for about 3 months before her feelings turned to contempt. I was the outlier: she disliked me BEFORE she met me… and I had heard alarming things about her, too.

And then, about 3 months in, Devin’s mom changed her mind about me, and she decided she liked me. Eventually she became one of my closest friends, and we LOVED each other.

For someone so famously “difficult,” I found her very easy to please. We could talk for hours about how handsome and talented my husband Devin is and be in perfect agreement. 

I think that’s what she was waiting for all along: someone who would love her only child like I do.

I understood her, had compassion for her, and admired her.

And I also think there was something much, much deeper at play…

13 years ago in 2012 I slayed my love Monster. I met my (now) husband 2 months later. (28 weddings and going strong.)

All these years I thought that was the big result from slaying my “Love Monster.”

What I didn’t realize until this week is slaying that love monster changed far more than my romantic results… it changed my results around mother love.

My love Monster had everything to do with my own violent, narcissistic, addict mother who hated me and tried to erase my existence, even after I saved her life. I always knew that my birth mother, whom I loved until the day she died, was the biggest source of both my love and money monsters.

I’m now recognizing that following my Love Monster slaying in 2012, other interesting things happened:
1) My relationship with my stepmother transformed, and she became my angel when my father became ill.
2) My aunt volunteered to be my mom when my mother continued to reject me.
3) My mother in law became the mom of my heart.

(Did I mention I also love her style?)

When I told my husband, a year ago, it was time to move back to Los Angeles (ugh!) from our happy home in Long Beach, in order to be living close by BEFORE his mother needed us… I made that call out of love, not obligation. A year ago Amy was healthy, active, and engaged in life, just slowing down a little. I thought she could live another decade, but something inside  knew it was time to be ready.

It was a blessing to be so close by for this transition.

I feel her close by.

It’s not lost on me that humming birds started showing up in my face shortly before her death. I thought at the time that the bird might be her spirit visiting. 

It’s good to have such a great ally on my journeys. I will call on her when I slay my next monster.

MORGANA RAE is an internationally acclaimed life coach, author, and professional speaker, who is regarded as the world’s top Relationship with Money coach. Morgana’s groundbreaking program for attracting wealth has featured her on ABC-TV, PBS, NPR, United Press International and The Wall Street Journal online. Learn how to become a Money Magnet with her FREE 4-part video gift series. Fill out your name and email at the top of the page. (We promise not to share your info!)