Why Your Life Sucks and You’re a Loser
Ever feel like your life sucks? Ya gotta set some personal boundaries. (And if you’re a coach/healer/spiritual/service professional, I’m talking to YOU!)
Setting boundaries gives you the ability to say yes to what you want and no to what you don’t want, despite the risk of displeasing others. What a concept, huh? (The irony is the more you try to please others, the less you do. Nobody likes a fake or a doormat.) You’ll automatically upgrade your relationships and improve your life overall.
No limits disempowers you and disrespects those around you. They show up in a number of ways:
* The inability to say no.
* The fear of displeasing someone.
* The tendency to rescue others.
* The expectation of being rescued.
* Not expressing your true feelings.
* Not getting paid what you should.
* Attracting people who take advantage of you.
* Allowing outside opinions to determine your self-worth.
* Feeling like a victim.
* Feeling obligated, indebted.
* Trying to change someone else.
When we were children, pleasing parents and teachers and friends was necessary to our survival. We needed to learn how to bond, how to read reactions, how to compromise. These are not skills to give up. This is where we learn the empathy and compassion that makes relationship possible.
Problems arise when, as adults, we’re unconsciously ruled by these needs to please, bond, or compromise. We’re operating out of fear more than love. When we’re acting from unconscious impulses we give up our ability to choose responsibly, and we become victims and victimizers.
We all have areas in our lives where our boundaries are nice and strong, and other areas where our boundaries get weaker. (The higher the stakes, the stronger the likelihood is that fear will come in and weaken our boundaries.) The easiest way to check the strength of your personal boundaries is to ask yourself: “How free do I feel here to say what I feel and to ask for what I want?”
The bottom line is people treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you put up with abuse, YOU’RE ABUSING YOURSELF. Setting new boundaries is like working with muscles that haven’t been used; they feel awkward and weak at first. You may have some false starts as you learn to play a new game. Keep flexing.
You’ll be tested. If you’re the type who did everything for everybody in the past, those people you taught to rely on you may resent having the rules changed without their consent. You trained them to expect one thing; now you can retrain them to expect something else. Practice consistency.
If you’ve been taken care of all your life and the rules are changed on you… ouch! You get to grow up fast. You’ll feel better on the other side, knowing you can take care of yourself.
Eventually, as your personal boundaries get stronger, the negative charge around these changes goes away. What used to be a fight becomes the way things are naturally. It’s effortless.
Take a look at your current life.
* Where are your boundaries strongest?
* Where are they weakest? Why?
* What small step can you take to be more honest and authentic in that area of your life?
When setting limits in any area of your life, you’ll increase your self confidence. You’ll attract better relationships. You’ll enjoy more respect and success, and your life will rock.
Wanna reprint it for your blog or e-zine? Cool! Just post a “written by Morgana Rae” credit, and tell your readers to get my FREE Money Magnet Video Gift at www.morganarae.com. Thanks!
Excellent blog you have here, Morgana. I really enjoyed them.
I blog about the same things so I have linked to this post and I published 1 of your works entitled Manifest by Making Spaceon my blog. I also included your Financial Alchemy video there.
Thanks for this. The first thing that came to mind after reading this is the element of discernment. For example, “The tendency to rescue others” can be a double-edged sword, I think. If you have a friend who is in the dumps or is going through a bad time, as a friend you help see them through, give advice, moral support, or whatever the situation is calling for. But when does it turn into a rescue-mission with this friend? When their every call is a panicked one? Or, vice versa, when the problem is “The expectation of being rescued,” how do you know you’re in someone-rescue-me! mode vs. just needing help and having a weak or a low time, as we all do as humans sometimes. I almost feel like the common denominator in both these situations is consistency. The friend in constant panic or you yourself in constant trouble.
Again, thanks. I was just talking to my husband about some of these points yesterday before reading your blog today hehe. I do love your/the Universe’s timing. Lately I have been feeling a lack “triumph” so to speak, or lack of feeling accomplished, so I’ve been having these moments of trying to discern what’s really going on. I’m in a post-international move adjustment phase, so the work has been figuring out what’s just a natural sense of displacement and culture shock vs. old patterns taking advantage of this new “scary” situation to try and reinforce themselves.
Food for thought all around 🙂 Thanks for all you do. C
Hi Celeste. You bring up some great questions. I’m a life time sufferer of OCD (obsessive COACHING disorder) myself–I have a compulsive desire to help.
At the same time… I’ve learned to be very careful about making sure the other person is at least as invested in their change as I am, and I listen for what will empower the other person. Rescuing someone is a temporary fix and may backfire if they get rescued to much. The only difference between a savior and a villain is lighting.
On the other side, asking for help has saved my life. But help is just help… I’m still ultimately responsible for my life. We all rescue ourselves in the end.
We’re interconnected. We NEED each other. And pay attention to the energy. If you feel weak, depleted, insecure, exploited or needy, there’s probably a “no” that needs to be said.
Boundaries are so critical and so often ignored.
I work with a lot of people who have been verbally abused. I notice that a lack of boundaries – usually learned in childhood – makes people vulnerable to the control tactics of others. Learning to set good healthy boundaries almost always results in more respectful treatment even from the most controlling people.
I’m also noticing that a common symptom of a person in a controlling (disrespecting the other’s boundaries) relationship is a radical decline in material success. Setting boundaries is all about valuing yourself.
I really enjoy and benefit from your financial alchemical approach! Thanks.
You’re welcome, Ruth. Those are great observations!