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The Cleanse Chronicles

4/13/12 Day Three of a well-intentioned detox program… I’m sleepy, grouchy, and have a headache. Healthy living sucks. I want a cup of real coffee soooooo badly.

4/14/12 Day Four of Captivity. I’m drinking decaf coffee with organic coconut creamer and stevia sweetener. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Heeeeelp meeeee!

4/16/12 Day Six on this desert island called Health. I made my first almond milk smoothie. Not terrible. I can get through this.

4/20/12 Day One of the actual “cleanse” itself. No more of that mamby pamby “pre-cleanse” crap. I’m starving. I’m thinking of eating my arm off, just for the meat. I miss chewing.

4/21/12 Day Two in this Dark Pit of Despair called Cleanse. Actually I’m fine. And when my captor allowed me to add a few fresh strawberries to that tasteless muck of a gluten-fee, sugar-free, allergen-free, joy-free shake, I was positively euphoric. One more day to go!

4/22/12 Day Three…. I was so wicked! I broke down and ate some raw kale (shhhhh! don’t tell anyone!) instead of my “dinner” health shake.

4/23/12 Day One of the Next Phase… I get to eat rabbit food (green vegetables) now. Oh joy! God, what I wouldn’t give for a cup of coffee. I miss my coffee so badly I could cry.

4/25/12 Day Whatever in Captivity. Starting to eat real food. Had steak this afternoon. Such a relief. But I still miss coffee. My kingdom for a cuppa joe.

4/27/12 I quit my cleanse. Finito. Not that I didn’t love the wild mood swings, the insomnia, the headaches and the exhaustion. I just think I prefer moderation and feeling good.


5/23/12 I’ve been in Bali for almost two weeks. Having a BLAST! Best food of my life. And flowers and incense and massages. I’ve been visiting all sorts of shamans and healers and artists and temples… jumping into sacred pools with hundreds of Balinese, while all the other white people stand on the sidelines taking pictures. Yesterday I was suddenly hit with dizziness, queasiness, weakness, no appetite, lower back pain, etc. I searched for clues on line–was it Dengue? Malaria? Kundalini rising? Finally I went to the local clinic late at night. Turns out I’m just dehydrated. How anticlimactic.

5/28/12 This morning the cutest puppy started following me on the road. At first he was happy to be petted and cuddled and played with. Then, when his biting became a little harder than playful… I realized he was hungry. I found a Warung (food store) around the corner. The owner picked him up and promised to take care of him.

5/30/12 I’m back from Bali. Yes, I escaped that hell hole of friendly people, fragrant flowers, daily massages, fabulous food, and hot guys who want to heal my chakras.

6/12/12 Hmmm. Stepped on the scale today. Apparently after three weeks of shopping, massaging, walking, sleeping and eating in Bali–anything I liked, whenever I liked (all of it delicious)–I’m seven pounds lighter. Bali wins.

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