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What The Gurus Get Wrong About Forgiveness

Given the recent death of my mother, I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness, and the topic has been coming up in conversations with clients and friends who also had “difficult” parents.

What the Gurus get wrong about forgiveness:

There’s way too much well-intentioned shoulding and shaming on the topic of forgiveness by influential thought leaders, and that’s not healthy or helpful. In fact this can be a form of secondary abuse. You do not need to be pressured to forgive, especially if someone is still causing you harm!

After 30 years and coaching thousands of clients, here’s my observation: you do NOT have to forgive everything and everyone, and you still get to live a wonderful, happy, healthy life anyway.

You get to determine for yourself what your value system is, what’s acceptable in your life experience, and what is not. I promise you that you will not be punished by some celestial police squad if you determine, “Nope. This doesn’t work for me.”

The REAL GOAL is to make what ever harm you have experienced powerless to cause you more harm.

Here’s another option you may find helpful:

What you did to me was wrong. And there is NOTHING you can do to me that I will not use for my own personal empowerment and self-love.”

(How does THAT feel?)

Forgive people, if you choose to do so, when you are safe and no longer being abused or in danger. And don’t forgive on anyone’s timeline but your own. You do not owe anyone your forgiveness.

Your best choice will always be the choice that works best for you.

Two more thoughts:

  • Focus on living your most fabulous life, and allow forgiveness to flow out of your own bounty of happiness, when and if it wants to.
  • The best forgiveness is forgiving yourself and knowing your can trust yourself to take care of yourself, moving forward.

I hope this message provides you comfort and clarity when you need it.

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