Creating a retreat in Bali seemed like a great idea. It seemed like such an easy, obvious thing to do.
It was such a shocking and transformative experience for me when I went in August… I wanted to share that experience… offer an opportunity to EMBODY the goddess.
And I had dreamed—for years—of leading spiritual goddess retreats around the world. And now I was finally doing it!
And yet it took me four months to actually buy my plane tickets.
And I tarried at booking my hotel room until the afternoon before my plane was scheduled to leave…
The night of my flight I had an anxiety attack.
I didn’t feel ready. My destination was too far. I felt very young and scared and like I’d get lost in transit, disappear in the vastness of the planet.
How would I find my way from one plane to the next when we stopped in Taipei?
If something happened to me, I’d never be found.
I delayed and delayed leaving the house that night, before going to the airport.
I kissed and clinged to the cute guy I was dating, as he drove me to the terminal. I wanted to hold on to him, to have some connection to home.
And when I finally released him and dragged my luggage to the check in counter, they wouldn’t let me on the plane! My passport was to expire in June… weeks after my return, and Bali required 6 months.
I’m sure I knew that on some level, and filed it away in my unconscious. And I’d lie if I didn’t admit that I was grateful for the delay.
I scrambled to get a new passport in one day, rebooked my flight. Everything fell into place magically: I was to fly out the night I picked up my passport. Same flight. I even got the same coveted window seats.
(I’m sooooo lucky. And a freak of nature when it comes to manifesting.)
The night of my new departure, the anxiety came back: I suddenly couldn’t find my new passport, just as we were leaving for the airport. I panicked. Started hyperventilating. How could I blow it again?
In 30 years of travel, I’ve NEVER lost my passport before
Can you believe all the obstacles I created to get in the way of my dream? Amazing, isn’t it?
I did find it… just in time.
I went to the airport and they actually let me on the plane.
And then a magical thing happened: as soon as I was actually on the plane itself, flying 14 hours to Taipei, I got happy! I slept. I made friends with my neighbor. I found my way to my connectimg flight in Taipei.
The fear left. All that remained was a fabulous view from my window seat… the thrill of the vastness of the planet… the exciting strangeness of other lands, foods, languages and peoples… and a profound gratitude for the privilege of living out my wildest fantasies.
I’m so, so happy to be here. And I fought so, so hard to sabotage this event!
I can’t help but feel this might be a metaphor for all of us: how terrifying it can be to step into our bigger vision. I know that over and over I get fantasies of ducking out, at the very moment before I get what I’ve been wanting for ages.
If this is true for you, too, I want you to know you’re not alone.
Keep going. You have to just keep going. Everything you want is on the other side of the fear.
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